Honest Communication in Marriage

Everyone agrees honesty matters in marriage. The harder questions are how honest, when, and for whose benefit. Here's the short answer: be honest in love, not unfiltered. Before you say something hard, ask whether it will help both of you. Check whether it's really about your own expectations. And get honest with yourself first.

Is it ever okay not to say everything you think?

Yes. Just because you're thinking it doesn't mean you have to say it. Honesty in marriage always comes with accountability. It isn't a license to unload on your spouse and walk away.

Some people treat marriage as permission to say whatever comes to mind. "I'm just telling it like it is." What follows can be a tsunami of criticism that does more harm than help. Scripture gives a better standard.

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Ephesians 4:15

Speaking the truth in love means saying what's true in a way that is meant to build your spouse up. When love is at the center of a marriage, both of you become more open to feedback. It helps to gather your thoughts before raising something hard, so you can be intentional instead of reactive. On Marriage360, hosts Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan put it simply: honesty and love are the only way to go in marriage. He is a pastor, she is a family nurse practitioner, and they have been married more than 30 years.

How do you know if something is worth bringing up?

Ask one question: will saying this help both of us, or will it only make me feel better? Sometimes you want to get something off your chest. Saying it can leave the marriage in a deficit.

Love helps you mature here. Over time you stop asking only "Is this true?" and start asking "Is this valuable for both of us?" The hosts were honest that receiving feedback isn't always easy. Pastor Marty admitted a tendency to get defensive and pouty. He said love is what slowly changes that.

This isn't about avoiding serious issues. Sin, or anything that will harm the relationship, needs to be addressed. The question is for the everyday critiques and opinions that pile up.

What if the real problem is your expectations?

Often it is. Many frustrations in marriage aren't about your spouse's character at all. They're about expectations you brought in that aren't being met the way you pictured.

For example, the hosts looked back on their early years and bringing home their first child. Many of the frustrations from that season came from one of them expecting things to unfold a certain way. It was never that the other spouse lacked character, integrity, or love. Unloading all of that in the name of honesty would have done real harm.

So before you bring something up, ask: is this about who my spouse is and what they're doing, or is it about my own expectations? Every couple comes into marriage with different ones. Unmet expectations are the gap between what you pictured and what is happening, and they bring conflict. It's worth talking openly about what each of you expects, ideally early.

The Holy Spirit helps with this too. A believer has a still, small voice inside that can say, "Maybe not right now. Maybe this is a conversation for later." Listening to that voice before a hard conversation can save a lot of hurt.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

James 1:19

Does honesty in marriage get easier with time?

Yes. What you can say to each other grows as trust grows. In the first year or two, you're still building that trust. After 20 or 30 years, there is enough love and history to receive honesty for what it's meant to be. It is a desire to make the other person's life better.

If you're newly married and compare yourselves to couples who've been together for decades, don't be discouraged. Enjoy where you are and work through what's in front of you. Stay married and keep working at it. The ability to be honest in truth and love grows as your relationship grows.

Who is the hardest person to be honest with?

Yourself. The easiest person to deceive is you.

Honest communication is a two-way mirror. Before you're fully honest with your spouse, turn the mirror around and ask, "What am I doing about this? What part am I playing?" Being honest with someone else while dishonest with yourself is its own kind of deception.

Getting honest about your own habits and where your expectations come from takes pressure off the marriage. As Pastor Marty put it, his biggest obstacle as a husband hasn't been his wife. It's been himself. If you can get past yourself and be honest with yourself, you can be a better spouse.

Common questions

Should I tell my spouse everything I think?

Not necessarily. Ask whether sharing it will help both of you, and speak the truth in love as Ephesians 4:15 says. Serious issues like sin or anything harming the relationship should always be addressed.

How do unmet expectations affect a marriage?

Unmet expectations bring conflict. Talk openly about what you each expect, and ask whether a frustration is about your spouse or about expectations you brought into the marriage.

Why is it important to be honest with yourself first?

The easiest person to deceive is yourself. Being honest about your own part takes pressure off your spouse and makes your honesty with them fairer and more loving.

How do I give my spouse hard feedback in a loving way?

Gather your thoughts first so you're intentional, not reactive. Make sure it's meant to help both of you, pray about the timing, and own your part before naming theirs.