Navigating Stages in Marriage

The person you married is not exactly the person you live with today, and neither are you. Every marriage moves through stages: newlywed years, starting a family, parenting, kids leaving home, and the physical changes of midlife. You'll handle them better if you prepare before each one arrives and let people help you. Talk openly when you and your spouse feel a change differently.

What are the stages of marriage?

The stages of marriage are the major life events every couple moves through, often without seeing them coming. Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan host Marriage360. He is a pastor, she is a board certified family nurse practitioner, and they have been married 30 years. They met as teenagers and married in their twenties. They had kids in their late twenties and early thirties, and they moved states more than once. Now in their fifties, they laughed that "tons have changed."

Most couples will recognize these stages:

• The wedding and early marriage. A new name, shared money, and challenges no one wants to talk about.
• Deciding when to start a family. For some couples, this includes the real pain of infertility when it doesn't happen as planned.
• Parenting through school years. Early education, junior high, high school, and the hormonal changes that come with them.
• Kids leaving home. College, moving to another state, and someday marriage.
• Physical changes with age. Midlife brings shifts for both husbands and wives.

Thirty years ago, the hosts had no idea these were stages, or that they were coming. Most people dislike change, especially sudden change. Knowing the stages ahead takes some of the shock out of them.

How do you prepare for a stage before it arrives?

Learn about it early. The earlier you understand what's ahead, the better. Don't wait until you're in the middle of a stage to start your research, whether it's about health, parenting, or an empty nest.

Preparing in one season for the next is a biblical principle. Scripture points to the ant as an example:

Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest.

Proverbs 6:6-8

Be realistic, though. Preparation only goes so far. The hosts read the pregnancy books and took the birthing classes before their first son was born. Then the first night home came, "the night that would never end," and they were nowhere near ready. Prepare anyway, and expect to keep learning once you arrive.

Why should you let others help you through a new stage?

Because no couple is meant to carry a big transition alone. Support from family and from medical professionals makes every stage easier.

On Marriage360, Pastor Marty confessed a mistake he still remembers. Both sets of grandparents lived in town, and his mother-in-law offered to help that first night home with their newborn. He insisted they could handle it on their own. By morning, she was at the door with breakfast. Four years later, when their second child came, he was the one asking her to stay for a week.

If you tend to think "we've got this," ask yourself whether that's wisdom or pride. Saying yes to help is often the stronger choice for your marriage.

What if you and your spouse feel a change differently?

Expect it, and talk about it openly. Husbands and wives often experience the same stage in very different ways.

Dropping their firstborn at college hit Pastor Marty and Becky very differently. Becky felt the closing of a chapter and was frustrated all day. When a forgotten moving dolly became an issue, he was simply the match that lit the fuel already there. He was mostly excited for their son and didn't realize how hard the day was for her.

A piece of wisdom from her mother-in-law helped her: you can have joy and pain at the same time. You can be thrilled for your child and grieve the end of a season in the same moment.

When a big stage comes, name what you're feeling and ask your spouse what they're feeling. You don't always know what you don't know. And don't be too hard on yourselves. You only know what you know at the time.

Should you tell your spouse they're going through a stage?

Probably not. Telling your spouse, "I think you're going through a stage," rarely goes well, especially when it's used to explain away their feelings.

Instead, be present, show concern, and give each other space. Some people go quiet and withdraw during a hard season. Others get louder and more frustrated. Either way, your job is to stay close and patient.

How should couples handle midlife health changes?

Take them seriously, and get to a medical provider. Becky, a nurse practitioner, was clear that she was not giving medical advice. From her reading and her own experience, she described the years from the end of childbearing through perimenopause and menopause. For women, that stretch can last eight to ten years, with real physical, emotional, and spiritual changes. Men go through changes of their own.

Her encouragement to women is simple. First, you are not alone. Second, see your medical provider. A long relationship with a good family doctor is one of the best supports you can have. Prayer and Scripture matter deeply, and you also need practical, hands-on care.

For men, the same advice applies: talk with your family doctor. When you research on your own, look for trustworthy sources such as the National Institutes of Health, the CDC, and the Menopause Society. Favor peer-reviewed articles over opinions.

Common questions

What are the stages of marriage?

Common stages include early marriage, starting or trying to start a family, parenting through different ages, kids leaving home, and the physical changes of midlife and beyond. Every couple's path looks a little different.

How do couples get through big life transitions?

Prepare early, accept help from family and professionals, talk openly about how each of you feels, and give each other grace. No one is fully ready for a new stage, so expect to keep learning.

Why do spouses react differently to the same change?

Each person carries a stage differently. One may feel loss while the other feels excitement. Talking openly helps you understand what your spouse is going through.

Where can I find reliable health information for midlife changes?

Start with your family doctor. For trustworthy information online, read the National Institutes of Health menopause guide, the CDC women's health page, and The Menopause Society. Peer-reviewed articles are more reliable than opinions.