Roles In Your Marriage

Every married couple works out who cooks, who leads, and who carries what, whether they talk about it or not. God designed marriage with real roles, and those roles can shift with the seasons of life. You handle them well by talking honestly, affirming each other, celebrating each other's gifts, and leaving room for mistakes.

What does the Bible say about roles in marriage?

The Bible teaches that God designed marriage, a covenant between a husband and a wife, with different roles and functions. Ephesians 5 is the passage most couples know.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Ephesians 5:22 to 25

On Marriage360, Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan approach this passage from a particular angle. Their focus isn't mainly submission or laying down your life. It's the simple fact that marriage has different roles by God's design. Those roles can become a source of conflict, unmet needs, and frustrated expectations if you don't talk about them.

Becky describes herself as a bit old school. She sees the husband as protector, provider, and counselor, and the wife often as nurturer and caretaker, with both parenting together. She's careful never to look down on how another woman sees her role in her own home. But she believes God built some distinction into men and women.

Are roles in marriage fixed or flexible?

Roles can shift with the seasons of life. Both of them agree on that. A single-parent home, a demanding job, school, health, or a new baby can all call for someone to carry a role differently than they expected.

Seeing roles as flexible doesn't erase the distinctions. As Pastor Marty puts it, there is a real difference between husbands and wives. When you embrace what each of you does best, you can celebrate your differences instead of competing over them.

Where do your expectations about roles come from?

Most of your expectations come from how you grew up, not from what you were taught. You learned roles by watching your own home.

Their own homes are a good example. In Pastor Marty's home growing up, his dad didn't cook, and his mom was a great cook. In Becky's home, her dad was the chef. Her dad traveled in ministry during the week, so her mom handled carpools, kids, and weeknight meals. She loved it when her dad cooked on weekends. It never made her mom feel less of a woman.

Early in their marriage, he did much of the cooking. They never sat down and assigned roles. They just found a rhythm. That works for some things, but it helps to know where your assumptions came from before they collide with your spouse's.

How do you handle a season when roles have to change?

You handle it with honest, considerate conversation, ideally before frustration builds. Communication is the key, and it starts even before the wedding.

Talking about roles helps you learn each other's strengths, weaknesses, and preferences. It isn't about taking something over and pushing your spouse into a corner. It's about finding the rhythm that works for your home.

For example, when Becky was in nursing school, working clinicals by day and studying at night, her husband picked up much of the load at home. They never made a formal plan. He just knew. Still, she admits she has sometimes felt hesitant to bring up a need because she didn't want to put pressure on her spouse. Then she ended up frustrated because she wasn't saying anything at all. Her advice is to be honest, be thoughtful, and be willing to return the favor when your spouse has a need.

What can the Trinity teach couples about roles?

The Trinity shows unity with different roles. The Trinity is one God in Father, Son, and Spirit, with different functions. Pastor Marty draws three lessons from that for marriage.

1. Affirm each other

The Father affirms the Son, the Son affirms the Father, and the Spirit affirms both. There's never a sense of "I'm better than you." When roles shift, speak life and affirm your spouse. That takes humility, and humility isn't weakness. It means coming with a humble spirit to talk about each other's needs.

2. Celebrate each other's gifts

Jesus told His disciples it was better for them that He go away so the Spirit could come.

But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you.

John 16:7

That's a powerful example of honoring someone else's gift. In marriage, say it out loud: "You're great at this." Celebrating your spouse's gifts means stepping back and giving them room to grow, fall, get up, and learn. Don't stand behind them with a notepad tracking every mistake.

3. Make allowance for each other

The Trinity is perfect and we are not, so marriage needs room to try and even to fail. When a marriage lives on a thin line of "I can't afford to mess up," there are problems.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Ephesians 4:2

Pastor Marty has worked with couples where one spouse kept a written list of every offense, with dates and times. A spouse in that position can never win.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:5

Common questions

What does the Bible say about roles in marriage?

Ephesians 5 calls wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Many couples see real distinctions between husband and wife, while also adjusting roles in different seasons of life.

Should roles in marriage change over time?

They often do. School, work, kids, health, and other seasons can shift who carries what. Honest, considerate conversation keeps those changes from turning into conflict.

How do I bring up changing roles with my spouse?

Be honest and kind, and name the need instead of waiting until you're frustrated. Affirm your spouse while you talk, and be ready to carry more for them when their season calls for it.