The Truth About Conflict in Marriage

Every married couple argues, so if you're fighting with your spouse, it doesn't mean your marriage is failing. Conflict isn't the enemy; division is. Healthy couples deal with small issues before they grow and refuse the silent treatment. They care more about the relationship than about being right. And they race to say "I'm sorry" first.

Is conflict in marriage normal?

Yes. Conflict in marriage is inevitable, and it isn't a sign that something is broken. A husband and a wife bring different upbringings, cultures, childhoods, teenage years, and expectations into marriage. You will disagree.

Conflict can even help you. It's part of how you learn who your spouse is and how the two of you work out who you're becoming together. Handled well, it builds character in your life and in your marriage.

Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan, the Marriage360 hosts, have been married for decades. They compare conflict to turbulence on an airplane. The plane bumps, and everybody holds on, but nobody jumps out. The real danger is when conflict isn't handled well and turns into division. Division is isolation, separate lives, and a growing distance between you. They've watched couples move out to "work things out" with a plan to come back together. It doesn't work that way.

Why do small issues turn into big fights?

Small issues grow when they go unsaid. Many conflicts start with a lack of communication. There's something one spouse doesn't feel safe saying, so they keep it in. Frustration builds, and eventually it comes out much bigger than it started.

You've probably heard the phrase about making a mountain out of a molehill. In marriage, if you don't address the molehill, you end up with a mountain in the relationship. Some couples try so hard to avoid any conflict that they bottle everything up. Then someone explodes. A little honest, healthy dialogue early is far better.

Is the silent treatment ever okay?

A short pause can be healthy. Hours of silence are not. It is wise to take a minute to step back and ask, "How much does this really matter? Is this worth fighting over?"

What doesn't work is going about your day acting like nothing is wrong while your body language says otherwise. Pastor Marty and Becky were asked when they handled conflict worst. They didn't hesitate: when they chose the silent treatment and ignored each other for hours.

It gets worse when both spouses are stubborn. Neither wants to start the conversation, so for a long time there is no conversation at all. Then someone tries a clumsy icebreaker like "Is the refrigerator still in the kitchen?" just to get talking again.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.

Ephesians 4:26

What helped the hosts most was maturity. Over the years, one of them would decide to break the ice. They would not let silence become how they treated each other.

What can a bad haircut teach you about conflict?

It shows how much communication matters. Years ago, the couple was broke and trying to save money. Pastor Marty bought clippers and gave their young son a buzz cut on the back porch. He switched guards without realizing it and cut a big chunk out of the front of the boy's hair.

Becky didn't speak to him for about a day. Looking back, she says she was upset partly because they hadn't talked about haircuts first. Their son barely cared, and the hair grew back. The real lesson was the silence. A quick conversation beforehand would have prevented most of it.

Is it more important to be right or to be close?

Being in right relationship matters more than winning the argument. A line from a book stuck with the hosts: you can be right, or you can be in right relationship.

There are clear moral rights and wrongs, and those matter. But most daily disagreements are preferences, like a cheeseburger versus a chicken sandwich. Couples waste enormous energy fighting over who was right. Looking back, the hosts admit they can't even remember what many of their early arguments were about.

In marriage the two of you form our way together. Proving that your way is the way misses the point. Trying to be right all the time is exhausting.

What does blame have to do with conflict?

Blame is as old as sin. When sin entered the world, the first thing that happened was finger pointing.

The man said, "The woman you put here with me, she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."

Genesis 3:12

Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent. No one said, "I did it." Conflict resolves much faster when each of you pulls back and asks, "What did I do wrong?"

It's okay to be wrong. It's okay to say the wrong thing or have a wrong idea. Just own it and repent. What doesn't work is acting like you didn't mess up when everyone can see that you did. When you humble yourself before the Lord and before each other, the sting goes out of the conflict.

The enemy wants division. He wants you distracted by arguments that don't build love, joy, and peace in your home. Choosing humility takes that ground back.

What if the same conflict keeps lingering?

When the same conflict keeps lingering, it's often more about what's going on inside you than about the issue itself. Look inward. Ask why this bothers you so much and where your reaction is coming from.

Resolving conflict doesn't mean you agree with everything your spouse said or did. It means you choose to forgive quickly. You may still need time to process, but you're telling your spouse, and the enemy, "This is not going to be the end of us. We're calling this done."

How do you resolve conflict faster?

Make it a race to say "I'm sorry" first. The quicker someone apologizes or brings the conversation back around, the quicker the tension melts. Then you can laugh together again.

Pastor Marty and Becky say God has helped them here. An awkward stretch that once lasted a day or two now might last twenty or thirty minutes.

Common questions

Is conflict in marriage normal?

Yes. Two different people with different backgrounds and expectations will disagree. Conflict can help you understand each other. The danger is letting it turn into division.

Is the silent treatment ever healthy?

Taking a short break to cool down and think can help. Hours or days of acting like nothing is wrong build frustration and distance. Ephesians 4:26 encourages couples not to let the sun go down on their anger.

How do we stop the same fight from coming back?

Look inside and ask why it bothers you so much. Deal with small issues early, forgive quickly, and own your part instead of pointing fingers.

What does the Bible say about blame in marriage?

In Genesis 3, the first response to sin was blame. Healing comes faster when each spouse humbles themselves before God and each other and admits their own wrong.