Unfair Expectations In Your Marriage

Every husband and wife bring expectations into marriage, and most of them go unspoken until one is missed. A fair expectation is clear, reasonable, and talked about openly. An unfair one sets the bar so high your spouse can't reach it, or asks them to be someone they're not. The way forward is to say what you expect, calmly and at the right time. Then listen without getting defensive when your spouse does the same.

Why do expectations cause so much conflict in marriage?

Expectations cause conflict because they usually live in our heads instead of in conversation. "I expected this. I didn't expect that." When an unspoken hope goes unmet, it feels like a failure to one spouse. To the other, it comes as a surprise.

Marriage360 hosts Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan, married more than 30 years, opened with a lighthearted example. Pastor Marty dreamed he forgot Becky's birthday, and when he told her, she was offended, even though it was only a dream. She can't stand surprises, which he got painfully wrong for years. But she does expect to be recognized on her birthday. The point landed: everyone has expectations, even the people who say they don't have many.

What is a fair expectation in marriage?

A fair expectation is one your spouse can reasonably meet and that you have actually talked about. Most expectations in a healthy marriage should fall into this category.

Fair expectations are often simple. The wife on the episode named hers: take the trash cans out on Wednesday night and remember her birthday and Christmas. She also wants him to love her dogs as much as she does. The husband named his:

• Support and encouragement. His wife is the one person he most wants in his corner.
• A peaceful home. She has created one from their first apartment 31 years ago to their house today.
• Daily physical affection. Even something simple like a hug and a kiss. It makes him feel safe, and it is part of the gift of faithfulness in marriage.

None of these are unreasonable. They become a problem only when they stay unspoken, or when one spouse assumes the other should just know.

What is an unfair expectation?

An unfair expectation sets the bar so high that your spouse can't reach it, or expects them to fill a role that isn't theirs.

One common example: a wife who expects her husband to do everything the way her father did. A husband has no idea what that looks like, because he wasn't raised by that man. A father and a husband are two different roles. One doesn't replace the other.

Pastor Marty described marriage as a continuation, not a swap. When they married, her dad didn't need to step aside for her husband to thrive. He is still her dad, and still plays a key part in her life. Your spouse gets to become their own kind of husband or wife, not a copy of someone else.

What happens when expectations go unspoken?

Unspoken frustration grows. When an expectation goes unmet, the natural reaction is to get defensive or keep score: you didn't do this, so I won't do that. That turns into a cycle of tit for tat.

Pastor Marty and Becky were honest that in their early years, the silent treatment was a real struggle. Hours would pass without a word. There is no magic formula for breaking that cycle. You have to have the conversation.

It helps to start early. In premarital counseling, Pastor Marty encourages couples to talk about questions like these before the wedding:

• How often do we want a date night?
• How often do we want to be intimate?
• How often will we see the in-laws?
• How will we handle Christmas?

At least then you know what you're working with, and you can make decisions together.

How do you bring up an unmet expectation?

Share it peacefully, openly, and at the right time, without pressure. Make it clear how much you value your spouse and your marriage. It may not change everything, but it may draw you closer.

Remember that you and your spouse are wired differently. On a vacation boat tour with two crew members, the husband's first thought was whether he could protect his wife if something went wrong. Hers was whether she could save him if he fell overboard and couldn't swim. One expectation can set off fifty other thoughts in your spouse's mind. Give each other room to process.

How should you respond when your spouse shares an expectation?

Listen first, and don't get defensive. When your spouse shares a want or need, it doesn't mean you've failed. They are trying to be heard.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry

James 1:19

Not every expectation is doable, and that's okay. There are only so many hours in a day. But many are, and simply being heard means a lot. Avoid shutting your spouse down. Both men and women feel rejection deeply. As the husband on the episode put it, he preaches to thousands of people every week. But no one can wound him like his wife can, because her opinion carries the most weight.

Above all, keep Christ at the center. A marriage is a covenant between a husband and a wife, and you can't keep it well in your own strength. The wife on the episode said she can't imagine marriage without the Holy Spirit guiding her. That includes the times He tells her to hold her tongue. Ask for discernment, too. The enemy loves to find a small crack in a marriage, and the Spirit helps you see it.

Common questions

What is an unfair expectation in marriage?

One that sets the bar so high your spouse cannot reach it, or expects them to be someone else, such as a parent. Fair expectations are clear, reasonable, and talked about openly.

How do I tell my spouse about an unmet expectation?

Choose a calm moment, share it without pressure, and make clear you value your spouse and your marriage. Aim to be understood, not to win.

What should engaged couples talk about before marriage?

Talk about expectations for date nights, intimacy, time with in-laws, holidays, and household tasks. Knowing each other's hopes ahead of time prevents a lot of conflict.

How do you stop the silent treatment in marriage?

Recognize that unspoken frustration never goes away on its own. Choose to have a calm conversation instead of waiting it out, and listen without getting defensive when your spouse shares.