Relationships Outside Of Marriage

Friends, coworkers, and the people you serve alongside can be good for your marriage, or they can slowly pull you away from it. The difference is boundaries. Keep your conversations, time, touch, and settings within clear limits. Tell your spouse about meaningful interactions, and choose friendships that support your marriage. Those habits protect your heart and keep your closest connection where it belongs.

Why do married couples need boundaries with other people?

Boundaries keep the wrong things out and the right things in. Boundaries are clear limits you set on conversation, time, touch, and setting with people outside your marriage. You can never fully know someone else's intentions, or how they will read what you say or do. A casual pat on the shoulder may mean nothing to you and something very different to them.

Closeness also builds by default. People who work long shifts together, share the same pressures, or care for the same patients can bond before they notice it. In many workplaces you hear the joke about a "work wife" or "work husband." Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan are a pastor and a medical provider married 30 years. They aren't saying something is going on when people use those words. But the words are a signal worth paying attention to. Any connection with a coworker should stay at the level of work.

No one is beyond temptation. However mature you are in Christ, you are still flesh and blood. And there is an enemy looking for a way in. Boundaries are not a sign of distrust. They are wisdom.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23

What boundaries should you set outside your marriage?

Watch four areas: conversation, time, touch, and setting. These apply to opposite sex relationships and, in different ways, to same sex friendships too.

Conversation

Kind questions like "How's your family?" are good manners. But if you sense a coworker is struggling with their spouse, be careful. Don't become their listening ear or shoulder to cry on. A simple "I'm thinking of you" is kinder than letting the conversation go deeper. That is often where emotional connection starts, even when no one intends it.

Time

Time with friends is healthy. But if you're spending more time with your friends than with your spouse, that's a problem. It doesn't matter whether those friends are men or women.

Touch

Some people grew up as huggers, and no one should feel villainized for being warm. Still, a personality trait isn't permission. If you lean affectionate, go with what feels almost too reserved. Offer a handshake or a fist bump instead of a hug, especially with the opposite sex.

Setting

For example, Pastor Marty doesn't meet alone with women. Offices at the church have windows and doors stay open. Meetings stay short, and conversations stay encouraging rather than personal. That kind of simple structure removes a lot of risk.

Why should you tell your spouse about your interactions with others?

Openness protects your marriage, and hiding things makes room for the enemy. Sometimes the husband on the episode travels and has a meaningful interaction with a woman, like stopping to check on someone crying in an airport. He tells his wife right away, often by text that same night. She appreciates it. He calls her his covering.

Caring for someone in need is what Jesus would do, and you shouldn't stop being kind. You just shouldn't keep it to yourself.

See your spouse as a protector, not a limit. If your reason for a boundary is "I can't, because I'm married," you're missing the point. It's better to say, "I choose not to, because I've chosen this relationship."

What changes when you get married?

Some things that were fine when you were single become reserved for your spouse once you say "I do." Marriage is a covenant between a husband and a wife. Certain kinds of talk, time, and touch now belong to that relationship alone. They weren't necessarily wrong before. They're just no longer yours to give away.

If you're single, this applies to you too. Ask how you would want people to treat your future spouse, and treat married people that way now. Picture someone talking with your husband or wife behind a closed break room door, swapping personal stories or off-color jokes. Would you be comfortable with that? Thinking beyond yourself goes against our self-centered nature, but it's part of following Jesus.

What if you're getting emotional needs met somewhere else?

Take that need home. God gave marriage as a place to connect emotionally, physically, and socially. Maybe you find yourself looking outside your marriage for affirmation or conversation. Go back to your spouse and say, "There's something I need that isn't happening." Communicate about it instead of leaving yourself open to temptation.

Watch your love tank, too. If you pour out all your emotional energy, time, and attention on people all day, what's left for your spouse when you get home? Save your best for the person you promised it to.

Can friendships outside marriage be good for you?

Yes. Outside relationships can be very good for a marriage. The Sloans have been blessed by other couples they do life with. Time with friends can even make you miss your spouse and want to draw closer.

The rule is simple: don't keep any relationship that is negative toward your marriage. If friends disrespect your spouse or run down marriage, they aren't really your friends. In nearly 30 years of ministry, Becky says few people have come to her to complain about her husband. She believes people can see the respect the two of them have for each other and know she won't play along.

Common questions

Is it okay to have friends of the opposite sex when you're married?

Friendly, respectful relationships are fine, but keep conversations, time, and touch within clear limits. Some things that were fine when you were single belong only to your spouse once you're married.

What is a "work wife" or "work husband"?

It's a joking term for a coworker you're close to. It isn't always a problem, but shared pressure and long hours can build emotional closeness that should belong to your spouse.

How do I set boundaries at work as a married person?

Avoid long one-on-one meetings behind closed doors, keep conversations away from personal and marital problems, and be open with your spouse about your interactions.

What if I'm getting emotional needs met outside my marriage?

Take that need to your spouse. Name what's missing and work on it together instead of leaving yourself open to temptation.