What Back-to-School Means for Your Marriage

Back to school changes the rhythm of your whole household, and yes, it can affect your marriage, for better or worse. New schedules, activities, and emotions can quietly crowd out time together. The answer is not to give less to your kids. It's to keep God first, keep your marriage stable, and face each school season as a team.

Why does back to school feel so different for each spouse?

Husbands and wives often process the change differently, and that's normal. Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan are now empty nesters with two grown sons. They have done kindergarten drop-offs and college move-in days, and they learned they rarely felt the same way at the same time.

For many moms, the early years are about letting go. Someone else will care for your child for seven or eight hours a day. Will they look after your child the way you would? Will your child be overlooked? It can be an emotional process of trusting that your kids will be okay and that this new season will be good.

Some dads feel it less, or feel it at different moments. There's an old line that moms cry when the kids leave for college and dads cry when they come home. Kids are wonderful, and they're also a lot of work: oversight, protection, care, and endless scheduling.

Give each other room. Ask your spouse how this season feels for them instead of assuming they feel what you feel.

How do busy school years squeeze out a marriage?

Busy school years squeeze out a marriage slowly, through schedules. School brings activities, homework, and practices, often with both parents working. Without noticing, couples stop making time for each other and feel like they're always on the go.

The fix starts with noticing. If the only conversations you have with your spouse are about pickups and permission slips, the marriage is running on fumes.

Should the kids or the marriage come first?

God comes first, then your marriage, because a stable marriage is one of the best gifts you can give your kids. Many couples assume that pouring everything into the kids will make the kids okay. The opposite is true: kids do better when the marriage is stable.

Think of the safety talk on an airplane. If the oxygen level drops, parents are told to put on their own mask before helping their child. If you're not okay, your kids won't be either.

A longtime saying from Pastor Marty sums it up: parenting is temporary, marriage is forever. He admits some moms didn't love hearing it, and Becky says she gets it now that their sons are grown. One day the kids leave, and you're left with your marriage. Their sons saw hard days and real challenges, and they also saw a mom and dad who stayed faithful and loved each other.

No couple gets the balance perfect. Pastor Marty said he doesn't look back wishing he'd given more to the marriage. But there are times he wishes he'd been more present as a parent. Every couple will look back and question some choices. Everyone needs God's grace.

What practical habits protect your marriage during the school year?

Three simple habits keep the school year from running over your marriage: accept help, share the load, and watch the schedule and the budget.

Accept help

A common early mistake is thinking the two of you have to do everything alone. Trying to prove you can only puts extra pressure on your spouse. Accepting help from family and others is not failure.

Share the load

Clear roles can keep a family organized. But when one spouse carries nearly everything connected to the kids, you end up with an exhausted spouse who has nothing left for the marriage. Sharing the load means pitching in where your spouse is stretched.

Watch the schedule and the budget

For example, the Sloans' sons played one sport close to home, so they could make the games without constant travel. Multiple activities can be fine. Just make sure they don't strain your finances, your time, or your marriage, and that God still comes first. Before signing up for another season, ask what it will cost your family in money, weekends, and time together.

How do you get through a rough school year?

You get through a rough school year by remembering that each year is its own season, and do the best you can with what God has given you.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Every school year has its own challenges. Pray, seek God's will for your kids, and make decisions together with your spouse. You are the adult, so make the best calls you can, and trust Him with the rest. If this year is rocky, another chapter is coming.

The years go fast, especially from about ninth grade on. Even the challenging years look good in hindsight. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.

Psalm 127:1

Keep God at the center of your home, get your kids into places where their faith can grow, and work as a team. Teamwork with your spouse matters more than any schedule you build.

Common questions

How does back to school affect a marriage?

New schedules, activities, and homework can crowd out time together, and spouses may feel the transition differently. With intention, it can also be a season to reconnect and work as a team.

Should the kids or the marriage come first?

Pastor Marty and Becky Sloan put God first, then the marriage, because a stable marriage gives children security. Like the oxygen mask on a plane, if the marriage isn't okay, the kids won't be either.

How do we keep our marriage strong with busy kids?

Accept help when it's offered, share the parenting load fairly, guard your schedule and budget, and set aside regular time just for the two of you.

How many activities should kids be in?

There is no set number. Activities are fine as long as they don't strain your finances, your time, or your marriage, and as long as God still comes first in your family's schedule.